Forgot My Codes

Hey everyone. I want to start off by apologizing for not blogging in a while. I have actually been meaning to get back on but then every time I would try to log back on I had forgotten my codes .I can't remember where I left off with the family, so I will just let everyone know a run down of life the past year. 

My brother came home, at first it was a struggle and it was getting really bad. We had to sit down one day and tell him that if he didn't straighten his act up that we would have to place him in another home and we would probably never get to see him again. Since then he has changed.... Drastically. It was well needed and it was an amazing transformation. He can now get mad and upset and not throw a huge fit , he doesn't attack my mom anymore, he talks about it like a "normal" child would. Yes he still back talks but that is far more better than what we would have to deal with . 

My sister on the other hand (the one that I have always struggled to attach myself to) is currently living in residential. She is quite the person . She came home and we were suppose to rekindle our sisterly relationship. That all went down the drain. Things with her became too much too quick. She started with some old behaviors. She beat the crap out of some girl that she rode the bus with all because the girl over heard her say I was starting school again. * I will explain that later on ... The girl proceeded to tell her that she thought I was pretty. My sister didn't like that too much and decided to beat her in the head repeatedly and my sister giggled about it when we tried talking to her about it as a family. Saying if she wanted to she would do it again. We just had an incident the other weekend, she came home for an overnight visit. The parents went grocery shopping for a little bit and she completely lost it over some toy blocks. She was asked to share nicely or not play with them at all . She then got up threw the blocks at another kid and started chatting and screaming at me . Luckily I had a bigger male there that if she tried anything too crazy he could help. My mom, my boyfriend, and I ended up going to the hospital for a little while until my sister's facility could come pick her up .

Other than that we are all doing great here at the house. I don't remember if I had blogged about my nana. My dad's mother. She had struggled with cancer all her life. This November we are coming up on some sensitive dates. Her birthday, thanksgiving, and the day she passed. She was a great woman, and I loved that I was able to do virtual school and be there for her. She was a loving woman that took us in as her grandkids. She never once treated us any different from each other and you could tell she loved each and everyone of us with all her heart. I've been thinking about her a lot lately, I know she's in a better place. She no longer is sick and suffering everyday. But there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish she was her . I'd give anything to be able to see her just one more time, to hug her just one more time, or to tell her I love her just one more time. 

I meet a guy. He's real nice, he has some of his own issues. He hasn't had the easiest life. He watched his mother be murdered by a boyfriend that then shot and killed himself. Four months before his mother's passing , his brother committed suicide . I thought I was once in love before. Boy was I young and stupid. This guy really is something. He's my first love. He accepts certain things about our relationship other guys didn't. I appreciate that. He shows he cares, and that he is there for me. He's really amazing.

I on the other hand, I've been sick since August. I have no idea what it is but I totally over it. I went to my doctor 3 times in the matter of 1 month. All 3 times she said it was bronchitis, and she treated it as so. She gave me all sorts of medicines. It would never fully go away. No matter what I was taking all it did was make me high. Which by the way is the worse feeling ever. But just this last Friday I went to the ENT. Ear, Nose, Throat doctor and an allergy specialist. I was given 49 shots, for allergy testing. Totally sucked. This doctor wants to get a CT of my face for my sinus cavities. Mom said I may have to have surgery, not looking forward to that at all . I am so over being sick. I am tired way before I should be, all my body seems to want to do is sleep. I have congestion in the face and in the chest. I constantly feel like someone is sitting on my chest. Its hard to breathe. My mom has a friend over from out of town, I cried in front of her tonight because that's all I seem to want to do right now because I'm so tired of being tired and sick . So hopefully when I go in for my other appointment on the 1st , they will be able to tell me what is wrong and what we can do to fix this. Oh yeah, while we were at the doctor they kept talking about asthma. So lets hope its not that either . Lol.

I am planning on blogging every chance I get , and this time I mean it . Lol . So I hope you are looking forward for more blogs, and that you take some time out of your day to read them . :)

Interview... Tonight...

 So the interview wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I want to thank everyone for your support. The interview seemed very long but I said what I needed to and I hope things go fast so that it will be over with. 


Maybe this isn't as bad as I thought it would be. Maybe it will be easier than the time I had to do this against my bio parents. I really hope it is. So far so good. Lets just hope that it stays this way. I am extremely tired today and I don't understand why. My sister got a little upset and started pinching herself on the face. But she did talk and I give her credit for that. Its not easy to talk about things like that at all.  

So my grandmother (on fathers side) is having a hard time right now. So my mom took her to the hospital and left me and my dad with the kids. They never listen to me.. Even when they are told I am also in charge right before she leaves.. So I'm trying to get everyone doing their chores and patches decides to give me a hard time. She completely lost it. She threw everything that was not even remotely close to being in her way across the room then from there she went to her room and started to destroy everything in the room. That is also my room that I have given up to my grandmother so that she is comfortable. So I try to go inside the room and get my nana's cloths out so they don't get ruined. I turn off the light because she was to go to bed, she then stood up and charged at me and I told her "If you hit me patches, that will be your worst mistake you make tonight." She also told me that she wishes she wasn't my sister which she yells at me or us every time she gets upset. So I screamed it back to her, everything she yelled at me I told her the same. 


I told her that I will not try to work on our relationship anymore and to not even try to make things better between us. I have forgiven her for saying all those hateful things before and I have just had enough of it. It hurts to hear her say that to me every time she got up set when I was the one that helped her survive. I was the one that feed her when no one else would. I was the one that would get in trouble for allowing her to do things that she wasn't suppose to do when we were living with our bio parents. I did a lot for her and I am so sick and tired of hearing that crap. I've had enough and I have decided not to try. And no matter what anyone says I am not changing my mind. I have been working on this relationship for a while and have got nothing in return. 

What's New...

Lately I have been really stressed. And I've been so stressed that it's making me sick. I made a mistake over Christmas break. But at the same time I think it was the breaking point that made me make the decisions to tell my mom one major thing that happened in my past. 

I'm not going to go into much detail about it but lets just say tomorrow I will be going to an interview with my deputy. I am going to press charges on an old foster parent. I have been holding that in and something else inside for so long. I am not looking forward to tomorrow at all. This interview is so early this time. And this is because they have a little girl in the house. So we are trying to save her from him. 


The other thing is I am trying so hard to remember some of the guys that Noah (my bio father) paid to do things with me. I remember one but I don't remember his name. I am going to try to go after him. I feel as if everyone that has every hurt me I am going to try to press charges on them and save other little girls from them. I am also going to try to talk to the deputy over the guy that was related to my father. 

I have found it hard to tell guys no and I'm trying to figure out why. Why I can say no to everything else and everyone else about things I don't want to do but when it comes to guys I can't stand up to them and say no to them. I feel as if me not being about to say no to the men that hurt me in my past I am not able to stand up for myself now. I am going back to therapy to help me find ways to say no and on good ways to deal with stress. 

I have gone through this once, going to court, but I think this time I'm more stressed. Before I had my siblings with me, going through the same things as me. This time I feel as if I'm alone. Patches is doing it to because she is confessing things as well, but she is mentally 3 yrs old. We don't have a strong relationship because of that. I don't feel like I can talk to her about things. Especially this. Yes I love her but I don't really trust her. I feel if I give her more information on what happened to me she may get mad and scream it out to the world one day. Like she has done with plenty of things in the past. 


I know that my parents are here for me. That's why I decided to tell my mom in the first place. I knew she was going to be there for me and listen to what I had to say and help me through it. I love them so much, and I thank them so much for everything they have done for me and my siblings. We all know for a fact that we are not going anywhere, that we are here to stay. For good. We have a family now that will always be here for us. I love you so much mom and dad ! <3

Today was an okay day... I guess.

So this whole week we have off from school due to thanksgiving. I have been stuck at home with my family for days and I am getting a little irratated. I mean I love them and all but I really can't take being home with them all the time, its totally driving me insane. I am kinda taking it out on my mom, I have been disrespectful to her and I really don't like it. Im not doing it on purpose. I'm just going to try to be careful and pay attention to myself.

Today I also went to go get my hearing aids. They blend in pretty well and they fit comfortably, but everything is so loud or its too quiet when I try fixing the volume on them. I can hear everything now that I couldn't before and its strange, weird. We used my uncles truck and it totally freaked me out because I could hear everything. Totally freaked me out. I am so thankful that I have my mom. She has helped me through this even though I really haven't talked about it, I'm not really sure how I feel about it other than I wanted to hurry up and get it over with. Now that I have them I don't really care. Its like whatever to me. When I talk I can hear myself speak now. And to me I think I sound loud so I try to be quiter but when I was talking to my uncle he said that  I wasn't loud. So I'm going to have to work on that.

Tomorrow I am going to my nana's house for thanksgiving. We will be staying in her RV. Also we will be seeing the Murphy's. So excited. I love that family so much. (:

My brother is also coming home tomorrow. For good I believe. We have to wake up early to go get him and sit through this long meeting. I hate meetings. They are so boring, and long. I miss him and want him to come home at some point but I really don't think that I can put up with him right now. He's super annoying at times, like a normal child, but I am afraid that Patches and him will get each other pissed off and lose it. Something we don't need at the house. She has done good lately so maybe it will be fine. But I will always have my guard up. Listening and paying attention to what is going on.

This weekend...

So this weekend was alright, I guess. Well Saturday was awesome ! It was my friends birthday, so we had a party and we also went to Netherworld. It was pretty awesome. I didn't want that night to end, I mean yes I was being I guess tortured? But I enjoyed it.

My sister threw a fit and had to call the cops again. Today she went to see her PO and now has 3 charges. She got mad over a picture she had drawn me that I didn't even know was mine. She was told to pick it up by someone who was doing their chore, she got mad and said she didn't need to pick it up because it wasn't hers. She refused to take her meds. and she tried to throw a bucket at my mom while the kids were behind her. She is extremely hard to be around and makes me want to be out of the house all the time. She said i have given up on her but i feel like she has given up on our relationship a long time ago. she doesn't care about me and I strongly believe that. I believe she doesn't really care about anyone but herself. Because if she did care she wont attack them with her fist or her words. She is going to have to work extremely hard before  even consider being around her. She never take responsibility for her actions, she thinks the stupidest scariest things are funny, and they are totally not funny at all.

Math

So I am really bad at math. Or so I think I am. I have a hard time understanding some of the stuff I am doing in algebra. Yesterday we learned something new, like everyday. I got what we were suppose to do for homework when I was in  my class, but when I went home I was tatally lost. So I asked my father to help me he didn't understand, so I ask my mom and got the same response from her. So I was totally screwed. It sucks to have parents that don't know what you are doing even when you give them the notes you took. So I called Tanner to get him to help but as I got on the phone with him and tried to explain I told him that I would just bring it to lunch and he would help me then. So that he would be able to see it and know what I was talking about.

So I get to lunch, we eat then I get on with my math hw. I was getting so upset because I didn't get what he was talking about that I almost started crying. The problem is he didn't explain like my teacher did so I remember bits and pieces of what I'm suppose to do but I get stuck at times. Ugh I just hate math.

My sister was good yesterday I think... I can't really remember. But I think yesterday was a good day. So I guess that's all I have to share right, nothing really exciting.

Lunch & Sister

So today at lunch I was hanging out with the "crew" in the courtyard. The courtyard is outside of the lunch room and that is were everyone goes after they are done eating. So today there were these girls that came out of the lunch room, (there were like 5 of them) they all walked over to this one girl on the other side of the courtyard. I thought nothing of it, nothing negative or bad was about to happen right? Wrong. They went back into the cafe and started a fight. It didn't get physical but more and more people got involved.

I was hanging out with Tanner, like always. We were talking about this weekend. He invited me to go camping with him. He didn't give me enough information about it so my mom had told me to get more info and we would talk about it. So today he gave me the information. We would be whitewater raffting, and other things but he mostly talked about the raffting. I hope I can go. It seems like fun.

Yesterday we celebrated my little sisters birthday which is actually today. We had chocolate cake with M&M's in it, with sprinkles on it, and cookies and cream ice cream. Yummy ! You would think that a certain someone could hold themselves together for someones special day. Well she didn't think that that would have been the right thing to do. Instead she managed to make a hole in the wall. After she had calmed down and we were ready to talk to her, everyone told her how they felt. So I told her how I felt. That I was tired of her crap and that its extremely hard to be around her. She claimed that she doesn't believe in herself, that she couldn't get any better. We all know that that's a lie. She has in the past gotten so much better. I told her that I feel that lately she doesn't care, that she doesn't want to stop doing what she's doing. She doesn't put any effort into getting better. Mom said that she is going to put her into a hospital for a while. The kind that my brother is in. Over that period of time I think that everything at home will calm down and everthing will be better. It will be a postive thing for both my family and her. It gives her time to be away from us, what she has been chanting she wants, and giving us the space we all need.

Yesterday & Today

Sorry I haven't been blogging, I have been having technical difficulties. So I guess I will be stating what has happened in the last 3 or 2 days.

Sunday my nana came to visit. She has been traveling for 3 1/2 months and she has finally come home. We have all missed her so much. I wonder if she knows I blog now? Oh well, I guess we will find out. I forbid her from leaving town like that agian. Lol

Yesterday, Monday. I had to go take a CAT Scan. I got a CD with the result on it but I haven't bothered to look at them. By the way its for my ears. I have taking this nasty liquid type of steroid. Someone had posted that when on steroids you should avoid salty food or it will make you bloat, every since I read that I have been paranoid. But I think my family eats pretty healthy so I have nothing to worry about..

My sister, what do I say about her that isn't off the charts mean? She is making it sooo difficult. Its hard to look at her let alone sit next to her on the couch. Its hard to talk to her, because when I hear her trying to talking to me I instantly become angry and want to her to shut up. Yesterday she came home and was talking to my mom about how she had a good day except for in the afternoon. And she started laughing. She said she almost got suspened from school because of the way she was acting all because of this guy she has a crush on. He says that he is intrested in older girls, and she is younger than him but she claims he never said he didn't like her. So I guess she's an exception? He claims he's in a gang. So he likes to beat up people and all kind of other crap. But she told us that she thinks its cool. Obviously there is something wrong with this. She said that he sleeps all day and never does his work. And that also is extremely cool to her. Why is that every thing she says is cool is extremely dangerous.

We went to the park yesterday and let the kids run around on the hills. After that we had to go grocrey shopping. So we went to Wal-mart and my sister decides to pick at the shelves and bang on everything. I asked her repeatly to stop, that she was getting on my nerves then she comes out saying that my mom whom is minding her own business was getting on her nerves. When we get home mom was ready to cook dinner. The pot we needed to use was dirty so my mom said that she would clean the pot. So she was trying to help my sister right? She completely flips. She starts the name calling and saying all these nasty things about my mom. She ruinned the freedom to have a door. Which makes it really hard for me to sleep. So I didn't get any sleep last night at all. I have a huge headache right now.

I am sitting in my 6th period class right now. I'm switching my screen from this to this current event that I have to summarize. Its for Early Childhood Development class. I can't wait until we sign up for the crying babies. That assignment is going to be so much fun and so easy.

ENT

This morning I had an ENT appointment. I thought that I was going to be fitted for hearing aids but I wasn't. The doctor I saw this morning said that he was going to put me on steroids to see if the hearing loss is from inflammation in the inner ear. And maybe I could get my hearing back. You would think that's a good thing right? Well not for me because in my opinion he didn't say it with much confidence. I don't think he understands that I just want this to be over with. Now I have to go back in two weeks and have an MRI done. Then we go from there. I honestly think that there isn't anything wrong with the inner part of my ear. I mean wouldn't you be able to feel it if there was something wrong? My ears don't hurt anymore. I think that the MRI will just be a waste of time. I didn't like the thought of having hearing aids but now I just don't care anymore. I just want the doctor appointments to be over with already. I mean seriously who likes to go to the doctor every two weeks? Not me! I'm thankful that he is seeing if he could fix my hearing without dealing with hearing aids but I have lost so much of my hearing I highly doubt that taking steroids will fix the problem. I feel bad for people that have a doctors appointment every week or two. Its driving me insane and I have only been to two appointments so far. I'm not sure as to what I feel about it all. I'm upset, and mad. But at the same time it shows me that when you are choosing a career don't get your hopes up. I had EVERYTHING planned out. I was going to finish high school join the military and work my way up to becoming an MP (military police), I would retire from that and then go get a job as a police officer in the area I was going to be living in. The day of my first appointment my mom brought to my attention that I may not be able to join the military. I came home and ran upstairs to look it up and sure enough it said deaf people are not allowed to. The day after that my mom said that I could still join Coast Guard. That would be great if I wasn't terrified of boats. She also said that she talked to my uncle that is by the way chef of police and said that at 20 I could take the test to become an officer. But the way I view it now than before I found out that I was going deaf is different. I'm not sure that I want to be a police officer anymore. I'm sure this may disappoint some people and trust me when I first realized what I was thinking I would say to myself that I can't let this stop me. I don't think that I am letting the hearing loss get in my way. I honestly don't understand why I don't want to be an officer. I have noticed lately that I'm extremely stressed and unhappy. I try not to show everyone and I'm not sure if it has been working or not. When I think about why I'm unhappy the things that come to mind is the hearing loss and the things that are going on at home with my sister.


My sister has RAD. Lately she has been the biggest pain in my butt than ever before. She had an episode a few weeks ago and I completely lost control for like two minutes. She was hitting my mom, and I remember just being so fed up with it that I screamed at her to stop and that I had enough and that I was calling the police. I didn't start to calm down until I was on the phone with the 911 operator. Every since then it has been so hard to be around her. I want to slap her everyday. She all of the sudden has gotten really verbal in her episodes. She curses like crazy and she yells all these nasty things to my mom. Two summers ago I had told her that it was hard to be around her and that I loved her but not in a sisterly way. That I loved her in a room mate kinda way. I'm feeling that way again but this time I think that its way worse. I feel bad that I feel this way but its not me. I have tried to fix our relationship. Its her! seriously am I wrong for feeling this way? For not liking someone because they call my mom names and says that she hates this family everyday knowing that it upsets people in the house.