Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Interview... Tonight...

 So the interview wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I want to thank everyone for your support. The interview seemed very long but I said what I needed to and I hope things go fast so that it will be over with. 

Maybe this isn't as bad as I thought it would be. Maybe it will be easier than the time I had to do this against my bio parents. I really hope it is. So far so good. Lets just hope that it stays this way. I am extremely tired today and I don't understand why. My sister got a little upset and started pinching herself on the face. But she did talk and I give her credit for that. Its not easy to talk about things like that at all.  

So my grandmother (on fathers side) is having a hard time right now. So my mom took her to the hospital and left me and my dad with the kids. They never listen to me.. Even when they are told I am also in charge right before she leaves.. So I'm trying to get everyone doing their chores and patches decides to give me a hard time. She completely lost it. She threw everything that was not even remotely close to being in her way across the room then from there she went to her room and started to destroy everything in the room. That is also my room that I have given up to my grandmother so that she is comfortable. So I try to go inside the room and get my nana's cloths out so they don't get ruined. I turn off the light because she was to go to bed, she then stood up and charged at me and I told her "If you hit me patches, that will be your worst mistake you make tonight." She also told me that she wishes she wasn't my sister which she yells at me or us every time she gets upset. So I screamed it back to her, everything she yelled at me I told her the same. 

I told her that I will not try to work on our relationship anymore and to not even try to make things better between us. I have forgiven her for saying all those hateful things before and I have just had enough of it. It hurts to hear her say that to me every time she got up set when I was the one that helped her survive. I was the one that feed her when no one else would. I was the one that would get in trouble for allowing her to do things that she wasn't suppose to do when we were living with our bio parents. I did a lot for her and I am so sick and tired of hearing that crap. I've had enough and I have decided not to try. And no matter what anyone says I am not changing my mind. I have been working on this relationship for a while and have got nothing in return. 

Monday, January 16, 2012

What's New...

Lately I have been really stressed. And I've been so stressed that it's making me sick. I made a mistake over Christmas break. But at the same time I think it was the breaking point that made me make the decisions to tell my mom one major thing that happened in my past. 

I'm not going to go into much detail about it but lets just say tomorrow I will be going to an interview with my deputy. I am going to press charges on an old foster parent. I have been holding that in and something else inside for so long. I am not looking forward to tomorrow at all. This interview is so early this time. And this is because they have a little girl in the house. So we are trying to save her from him. 

The other thing is I am trying so hard to remember some of the guys that Noah (my bio father) paid to do things with me. I remember one but I don't remember his name. I am going to try to go after him. I feel as if everyone that has every hurt me I am going to try to press charges on them and save other little girls from them. I am also going to try to talk to the deputy over the guy that was related to my father. 

I have found it hard to tell guys no and I'm trying to figure out why. Why I can say no to everything else and everyone else about things I don't want to do but when it comes to guys I can't stand up to them and say no to them. I feel as if me not being about to say no to the men that hurt me in my past I am not able to stand up for myself now. I am going back to therapy to help me find ways to say no and on good ways to deal with stress. 

I have gone through this once, going to court, but I think this time I'm more stressed. Before I had my siblings with me, going through the same things as me. This time I feel as if I'm alone. Patches is doing it to because she is confessing things as well, but she is mentally 3 yrs old. We don't have a strong relationship because of that. I don't feel like I can talk to her about things. Especially this. Yes I love her but I don't really trust her. I feel if I give her more information on what happened to me she may get mad and scream it out to the world one day. Like she has done with plenty of things in the past. 

I know that my parents are here for me. That's why I decided to tell my mom in the first place. I knew she was going to be there for me and listen to what I had to say and help me through it. I love them so much, and I thank them so much for everything they have done for me and my siblings. We all know for a fact that we are not going anywhere, that we are here to stay. For good. We have a family now that will always be here for us. I love you so much mom and dad ! <3