Thursday, September 29, 2011


This morning I had an ENT appointment. I thought that I was going to be fitted for hearing aids but I wasn't. The doctor I saw this morning said that he was going to put me on steroids to see if the hearing loss is from inflammation in the inner ear. And maybe I could get my hearing back. You would think that's a good thing right? Well not for me because in my opinion he didn't say it with much confidence. I don't think he understands that I just want this to be over with. Now I have to go back in two weeks and have an MRI done. Then we go from there. I honestly think that there isn't anything wrong with the inner part of my ear. I mean wouldn't you be able to feel it if there was something wrong? My ears don't hurt anymore. I think that the MRI will just be a waste of time. I didn't like the thought of having hearing aids but now I just don't care anymore. I just want the doctor appointments to be over with already. I mean seriously who likes to go to the doctor every two weeks? Not me! I'm thankful that he is seeing if he could fix my hearing without dealing with hearing aids but I have lost so much of my hearing I highly doubt that taking steroids will fix the problem. I feel bad for people that have a doctors appointment every week or two. Its driving me insane and I have only been to two appointments so far. I'm not sure as to what I feel about it all. I'm upset, and mad. But at the same time it shows me that when you are choosing a career don't get your hopes up. I had EVERYTHING planned out. I was going to finish high school join the military and work my way up to becoming an MP (military police), I would retire from that and then go get a job as a police officer in the area I was going to be living in. The day of my first appointment my mom brought to my attention that I may not be able to join the military. I came home and ran upstairs to look it up and sure enough it said deaf people are not allowed to. The day after that my mom said that I could still join Coast Guard. That would be great if I wasn't terrified of boats. She also said that she talked to my uncle that is by the way chef of police and said that at 20 I could take the test to become an officer. But the way I view it now than before I found out that I was going deaf is different. I'm not sure that I want to be a police officer anymore. I'm sure this may disappoint some people and trust me when I first realized what I was thinking I would say to myself that I can't let this stop me. I don't think that I am letting the hearing loss get in my way. I honestly don't understand why I don't want to be an officer. I have noticed lately that I'm extremely stressed and unhappy. I try not to show everyone and I'm not sure if it has been working or not. When I think about why I'm unhappy the things that come to mind is the hearing loss and the things that are going on at home with my sister.

My sister has RAD. Lately she has been the biggest pain in my butt than ever before. She had an episode a few weeks ago and I completely lost control for like two minutes. She was hitting my mom, and I remember just being so fed up with it that I screamed at her to stop and that I had enough and that I was calling the police. I didn't start to calm down until I was on the phone with the 911 operator. Every since then it has been so hard to be around her. I want to slap her everyday. She all of the sudden has gotten really verbal in her episodes. She curses like crazy and she yells all these nasty things to my mom. Two summers ago I had told her that it was hard to be around her and that I loved her but not in a sisterly way. That I loved her in a room mate kinda way. I'm feeling that way again but this time I think that its way worse. I feel bad that I feel this way but its not me. I have tried to fix our relationship. Its her! seriously am I wrong for feeling this way? For not liking someone because they call my mom names and says that she hates this family everyday knowing that it upsets people in the house.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

High School Drama

Okay so this is my first year in high school. Freshman year. So far it isn't as bad as I thought it would be. I thought there were going to tuns of people fighting and that I would be surround in other peoples drama like usual. But I'm surprised, I'm not. Everything is  going smooth right now. I have enjoyed the first two months of it. Right now it's kind of annoying because the only thing that everyone is talking about it homecoming. Who everyone is going with, what the dresses look like. I'm asked all the time if I'm going and my answer is no. I was asked by this really nice guy if I would go with him but I told him that I was not going. 

I have missed a couple days of school due to illness or the trip to the ear doctor, and I have missed many test. I am trying to make them all up. Tomorrow during lunch I have to go take a lit. test. We all know that's how I want to spend my one hour of free time right? I also have to make up some stuff from biology other than those two classes I think I got everything. 

So for lunch we have an hour to eat, although it only takes me 5 minutes to eat. I sit outside with my "crew." I wouldn't say I'm popular and I certainly wouldn't say that I'm a loner. For the last two months our "crew" has gotten bigger. Which is an awesome thing. I love the people I am surrounded by. They actually listen to what I say instead of talking over me and wanting everything to go their way. There is this one guy that sits with me everyday that I absolutely love. He is the BEST gay friend a girl can ask for. He is honestly the only one I truly trust in my "crew." I tell him just about everything on my mind. And he does the same with me. 

So there is this guy they call Jesus that hangout with us at lunch. I have never personally talked to him until today, but I think that will change soon. I said one word to him today in 5th period (so the class after lunch) and that word was "yeah." I was walking to the restroom and he was walking down the hallway in my direction and he had this hat on that had the long tail on the back like a raccoons tail or something (which he did not have on at lunch) so of course I burst out laughing. As we got closer he had asked me if I was laughing at his hat and I told him the truth. Lol. It was totally funny. 

So I guess we shall see how everything goes. I look forward to posting new post (: I hope everyone that is reading this can't wait for new blogs either. 

Monday, September 26, 2011

About Me

I am from a very large family, I have five other birth siblings and two adopted sisters. I was put up for adopted about five years ago due to the fact that I did not have a stable home. I had been to 15 different foster homes within 9 years. I was separated from my siblings at times. I mean honestly I understand why no one would take all of us together. There were totally too many of us and we were crazy. The three oldest of us were stuck together and the other three were together. I have had a very traumatic life. I was beat by my father, raped by his uncle, and I played the role of a mother to my four sisters and one brother. I had to cook, clean, and help everyone with their homework because my parents did not graduate high school. My mother could barley even read. My father was almost never home. He was either at work or working on a car in the driveway with some buddies of his. Before I came to live with the family I am happy with today I had over night visitations with my parents. I remember every time we went to stay for the weekend we were at a different house. I remember being scared but happy at the same time. When I was younger I never understood what was really going on, why these people would keep taking me from my parents and I didn't quite understand why I had to take care of all the kids. At times I would be locked in my room with all of the children. It would be days maybe even weeks. With no bathroom available or any food or water. I would always ask to go to my grandparents house because there I knew I was okay. I knew that I would be feed and that I would not be locked into a room at days at a time. Sometimes even felt that they loved and cared about me and my siblings more than my parents did, and still to this day I believe that. 

Two or three years ago I went to court to testify against my parents. I didn't want but I knew something had to be done so other children would be okay and save. So that they wouldn't be allowed to take care of other peoples children. I was scared but I knew it was the right thing to do. There were many people there that tried to comfort me, I guess you can say that kinda helped. I don't know one other child besides the ones I am forced to live with that have ever had to put their parents behind bars. I felt safer though, and I'm pretty sure so did my family. My mother I believe got 25 years. I think she is serving 10 and has probation for 15 or the other way around. And my father is in prison for the rest of his life. 

I am happy that I was saved. I am happy I have a stable home now. Yes things can get a bit crazy but that's how my life will be for the rest of my life. Two of my sisters and my one and only brother have a sever mental illness. They have these tantrums and they start to get violent. They are on meds to try to keep it under control but every now and again things get out of hand. My sister that is one year younger than me has proven that to all of us. She has made it a living hell to be home lately but we are trying to move forward. My brother is currently living in a hospital but will shortly be in the process of transiting home. 

I have currently found out that I am deaf. I went to the ear doctor about two weeks ago and was told that I have lost a significant amount of hearing. Probably about 50 percent or more. This Thursday I will be going to be fitted for hearing aids, and you can count on a blog afterwards. 

Well I'm about drained out. Its been a long day. First day back to school from a week of vacation. And let me tell you if you are a teenager and your home schooled and missing out on the actual walking down the hall ways in a high school your totally missing out. High school is not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. But anyways. I'm off to bed now, got school in the morning.