Thursday, September 29, 2011


This morning I had an ENT appointment. I thought that I was going to be fitted for hearing aids but I wasn't. The doctor I saw this morning said that he was going to put me on steroids to see if the hearing loss is from inflammation in the inner ear. And maybe I could get my hearing back. You would think that's a good thing right? Well not for me because in my opinion he didn't say it with much confidence. I don't think he understands that I just want this to be over with. Now I have to go back in two weeks and have an MRI done. Then we go from there. I honestly think that there isn't anything wrong with the inner part of my ear. I mean wouldn't you be able to feel it if there was something wrong? My ears don't hurt anymore. I think that the MRI will just be a waste of time. I didn't like the thought of having hearing aids but now I just don't care anymore. I just want the doctor appointments to be over with already. I mean seriously who likes to go to the doctor every two weeks? Not me! I'm thankful that he is seeing if he could fix my hearing without dealing with hearing aids but I have lost so much of my hearing I highly doubt that taking steroids will fix the problem. I feel bad for people that have a doctors appointment every week or two. Its driving me insane and I have only been to two appointments so far. I'm not sure as to what I feel about it all. I'm upset, and mad. But at the same time it shows me that when you are choosing a career don't get your hopes up. I had EVERYTHING planned out. I was going to finish high school join the military and work my way up to becoming an MP (military police), I would retire from that and then go get a job as a police officer in the area I was going to be living in. The day of my first appointment my mom brought to my attention that I may not be able to join the military. I came home and ran upstairs to look it up and sure enough it said deaf people are not allowed to. The day after that my mom said that I could still join Coast Guard. That would be great if I wasn't terrified of boats. She also said that she talked to my uncle that is by the way chef of police and said that at 20 I could take the test to become an officer. But the way I view it now than before I found out that I was going deaf is different. I'm not sure that I want to be a police officer anymore. I'm sure this may disappoint some people and trust me when I first realized what I was thinking I would say to myself that I can't let this stop me. I don't think that I am letting the hearing loss get in my way. I honestly don't understand why I don't want to be an officer. I have noticed lately that I'm extremely stressed and unhappy. I try not to show everyone and I'm not sure if it has been working or not. When I think about why I'm unhappy the things that come to mind is the hearing loss and the things that are going on at home with my sister.

My sister has RAD. Lately she has been the biggest pain in my butt than ever before. She had an episode a few weeks ago and I completely lost control for like two minutes. She was hitting my mom, and I remember just being so fed up with it that I screamed at her to stop and that I had enough and that I was calling the police. I didn't start to calm down until I was on the phone with the 911 operator. Every since then it has been so hard to be around her. I want to slap her everyday. She all of the sudden has gotten really verbal in her episodes. She curses like crazy and she yells all these nasty things to my mom. Two summers ago I had told her that it was hard to be around her and that I loved her but not in a sisterly way. That I loved her in a room mate kinda way. I'm feeling that way again but this time I think that its way worse. I feel bad that I feel this way but its not me. I have tried to fix our relationship. Its her! seriously am I wrong for feeling this way? For not liking someone because they call my mom names and says that she hates this family everyday knowing that it upsets people in the house.


  1. It makes sense to me that you feel the way you feel. I know you probably feel that you are "supposed" to love your sister, but there are lots of siblings that don't love each other in the way people in books do. You are doing your best to be a good sister and daughter and that's what matters.

  2. OK, so I got a few things to say. :) You had a lot to talk about today, so I want to address everything. We are listening!

    I'm glad you're trying the medicine, at least. Give it a try and see if it doesn't help a bit. You have a good doctor, if he's trying to find the cause of the problem and help you. A bad doctor would just toss the hearing aids at you and say that's it. He's exploring all the options. One thing about taking steroids, you should avoid salty foods. It can make you bloat up. Just try to eat as healthy as you can for the next 2 weeks. Anyways, you are very mature and smart to be following the dr's advice and not fighting it.

    It sounds like you have a lot of conflicted feelings about your future career, depending on your hearing and just what your interests are. I can say that this is very, very normal for just about every teenager. Just about everyone goes through this a few times, not sure which career path to think about. I changed my mind a few times, all the way through most of college. Find out if your HS counselor has any surveys you can take on career paths, to get you started. Also, I have read somewhere that the average adult goes through seven different career paths in a lifetime! So where you start out as an adult, might not be where you end up. Especially if you have a lot of different interests, there are probably a ton of different paths that might be right for you.

    Here are a few good career surveys that are online. Check them out when you have some time:

    Finally, I'm sorry that your sister is sick. It sounds like you are doing the best you can, and maybe she isn't always easy to get along with. Try to be patient with her, because it is an illness. It sounds like she is getting help and working on getting better, but in the meantime, you might have to try and ignore some of the bad behaviors of hers. You can't really work on "fixing your relationship" with her, because it's not your relationship that's broken, it's her illness that's in the way right now. It's weird, you can't change her, you can only change the way you react to her. I know it must be hard to see your sister hurting, and also being hurtful. When she says awful things, remember that it's the trauma that's coming out, and there is a good girl in there on the inside. You are such a good sister, to remember that you said something that was sorta hurtful two summers ago. It is never too late to say you're sorry, especially if it will make you feel better, and if you think it will help her. If you don't want to get into it with her, maybe write her a note. I know how hard this is. Although I'm an adult now, my mother is mentally ill, and it's hard to deal with her. She really knows how to push my buttons and make me mad. I really have to take a step back and remind myself that it's her illness, she's not purposefully trying to tick me off.

    Anyways, I'm enjoying reading your writing. Please know that there's people out in the bloggy world that are listening! :)

  3. Hey kiddo, Lots of people have lots of things to say so make sure you're hearing everything. I'm very impressed with how we you handle with all your crazy people.
    Two things, first with the steroids. I haven't had hearing problems. BUT almost two years ago, I woke up and couldn't see ANYTHING with my right eye. Nothing at all. It was all white. So I went to the doctor and they gave me a yucky diagnosis but put me on IV Steroids (the kind with a needle, not the pills) for a week. At the end of the week it wasn't better, but a few weeks later it was - completely. I've had to be put on steroids five times now, and almost every time they've worked perfectly. I'm not going to lie and tell you that everything is completely back to perfect, but everything is incredibly improved and still getting better. The point is, give the 'roids a chance. They might surprise you!
    As far as the sister-love... You can't change other people. You can't control them. You can control you and your reactions. Even when they'e making you crazy crazy crazy. It's not wrong of you to have your feelings. You feel the way you feel. Just stay mindful of your own choices.
    Keep your head up. :)