This morning I had an ENT appointment. I thought that I was going to be fitted for hearing aids but I wasn't. The doctor I saw this morning said that he was going to put me on steroids to see if the hearing loss is from inflammation in the inner ear. And maybe I could get my hearing back. You would think that's a good thing right? Well not for me because in my opinion he didn't say it with much confidence. I don't think he understands that I just want this to be over with. Now I have to go back in two weeks and have an MRI done. Then we go from there. I honestly think that there isn't anything wrong with the inner part of my ear. I mean wouldn't you be able to feel it if there was something wrong? My ears don't hurt anymore. I think that the MRI will just be a waste of time. I didn't like the thought of having hearing aids but now I just don't care anymore. I just want the doctor appointments to be over with already. I mean seriously who likes to go to the doctor every two weeks? Not me! I'm thankful that he is seeing if he could fix my hearing without dealing with hearing aids but I have lost so much of my hearing I highly doubt that taking steroids will fix the problem. I feel bad for people that have a doctors appointment every week or two. Its driving me insane and I have only been to two appointments so far. I'm not sure as to what I feel about it all. I'm upset, and mad. But at the same time it shows me that when you are choosing a career don't get your hopes up. I had EVERYTHING planned out. I was going to finish high school join the military and work my way up to becoming an MP (military police), I would retire from that and then go get a job as a police officer in the area I was going to be living in. The day of my first appointment my mom brought to my attention that I may not be able to join the military. I came home and ran upstairs to look it up and sure enough it said deaf people are not allowed to. The day after that my mom said that I could still join Coast Guard. That would be great if I wasn't terrified of boats. She also said that she talked to my uncle that is by the way chef of police and said that at 20 I could take the test to become an officer. But the way I view it now than before I found out that I was going deaf is different. I'm not sure that I want to be a police officer anymore. I'm sure this may disappoint some people and trust me when I first realized what I was thinking I would say to myself that I can't let this stop me. I don't think that I am letting the hearing loss get in my way. I honestly don't understand why I don't want to be an officer. I have noticed lately that I'm extremely stressed and unhappy. I try not to show everyone and I'm not sure if it has been working or not. When I think about why I'm unhappy the things that come to mind is the hearing loss and the things that are going on at home with my sister.
My sister has RAD. Lately she has been the biggest pain in my butt than ever before. She had an episode a few weeks ago and I completely lost control for like two minutes. She was hitting my mom, and I remember just being so fed up with it that I screamed at her to stop and that I had enough and that I was calling the police. I didn't start to calm down until I was on the phone with the 911 operator. Every since then it has been so hard to be around her. I want to slap her everyday. She all of the sudden has gotten really verbal in her episodes. She curses like crazy and she yells all these nasty things to my mom. Two summers ago I had told her that it was hard to be around her and that I loved her but not in a sisterly way. That I loved her in a room mate kinda way. I'm feeling that way again but this time I think that its way worse. I feel bad that I feel this way but its not me. I have tried to fix our relationship. Its her! seriously am I wrong for feeling this way? For not liking someone because they call my mom names and says that she hates this family everyday knowing that it upsets people in the house.