Wednesday, October 23, 2013


So as I told you guys the other day .. I've been sick for a while . Yesterday my mom and I decided that maybe the best thing for me at the moment is to become home bound . I'm weak , and I'm also very exhausted . Being sick is taking a lot from me . I feel like I can't live life normally ... I feel like at times I'm having the high feelings you would get from medicines. But the medicine I am taking now usually doesn't make me feel high . I'm on ibuprofen and some decongestant . I went to the doctor today for the paperwork for home bound and for them to take some blood work . I have an appointment for those results Wednesday . The people for the CT scan called today . I have an appointment with them on Monday I believe . I honestly cannot wait to be told what ever is going on ... I honestly just want to feel better . It would be nice to not be sick for a change . 

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Forgot My Codes

Hey everyone. I want to start off by apologizing for not blogging in a while. I have actually been meaning to get back on but then every time I would try to log back on I had forgotten my codes .I can't remember where I left off with the family, so I will just let everyone know a run down of life the past year. 

My brother came home, at first it was a struggle and it was getting really bad. We had to sit down one day and tell him that if he didn't straighten his act up that we would have to place him in another home and we would probably never get to see him again. Since then he has changed.... Drastically. It was well needed and it was an amazing transformation. He can now get mad and upset and not throw a huge fit , he doesn't attack my mom anymore, he talks about it like a "normal" child would. Yes he still back talks but that is far more better than what we would have to deal with . 

My sister on the other hand (the one that I have always struggled to attach myself to) is currently living in residential. She is quite the person . She came home and we were suppose to rekindle our sisterly relationship. That all went down the drain. Things with her became too much too quick. She started with some old behaviors. She beat the crap out of some girl that she rode the bus with all because the girl over heard her say I was starting school again. * I will explain that later on ... The girl proceeded to tell her that she thought I was pretty. My sister didn't like that too much and decided to beat her in the head repeatedly and my sister giggled about it when we tried talking to her about it as a family. Saying if she wanted to she would do it again. We just had an incident the other weekend, she came home for an overnight visit. The parents went grocery shopping for a little bit and she completely lost it over some toy blocks. She was asked to share nicely or not play with them at all . She then got up threw the blocks at another kid and started chatting and screaming at me . Luckily I had a bigger male there that if she tried anything too crazy he could help. My mom, my boyfriend, and I ended up going to the hospital for a little while until my sister's facility could come pick her up .

Other than that we are all doing great here at the house. I don't remember if I had blogged about my nana. My dad's mother. She had struggled with cancer all her life. This November we are coming up on some sensitive dates. Her birthday, thanksgiving, and the day she passed. She was a great woman, and I loved that I was able to do virtual school and be there for her. She was a loving woman that took us in as her grandkids. She never once treated us any different from each other and you could tell she loved each and everyone of us with all her heart. I've been thinking about her a lot lately, I know she's in a better place. She no longer is sick and suffering everyday. But there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish she was her . I'd give anything to be able to see her just one more time, to hug her just one more time, or to tell her I love her just one more time. 

I meet a guy. He's real nice, he has some of his own issues. He hasn't had the easiest life. He watched his mother be murdered by a boyfriend that then shot and killed himself. Four months before his mother's passing , his brother committed suicide . I thought I was once in love before. Boy was I young and stupid. This guy really is something. He's my first love. He accepts certain things about our relationship other guys didn't. I appreciate that. He shows he cares, and that he is there for me. He's really amazing.

I on the other hand, I've been sick since August. I have no idea what it is but I totally over it. I went to my doctor 3 times in the matter of 1 month. All 3 times she said it was bronchitis, and she treated it as so. She gave me all sorts of medicines. It would never fully go away. No matter what I was taking all it did was make me high. Which by the way is the worse feeling ever. But just this last Friday I went to the ENT. Ear, Nose, Throat doctor and an allergy specialist. I was given 49 shots, for allergy testing. Totally sucked. This doctor wants to get a CT of my face for my sinus cavities. Mom said I may have to have surgery, not looking forward to that at all . I am so over being sick. I am tired way before I should be, all my body seems to want to do is sleep. I have congestion in the face and in the chest. I constantly feel like someone is sitting on my chest. Its hard to breathe. My mom has a friend over from out of town, I cried in front of her tonight because that's all I seem to want to do right now because I'm so tired of being tired and sick . So hopefully when I go in for my other appointment on the 1st , they will be able to tell me what is wrong and what we can do to fix this. Oh yeah, while we were at the doctor they kept talking about asthma. So lets hope its not that either . Lol.

I am planning on blogging every chance I get , and this time I mean it . Lol . So I hope you are looking forward for more blogs, and that you take some time out of your day to read them . :)

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Interview... Tonight...

 So the interview wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I want to thank everyone for your support. The interview seemed very long but I said what I needed to and I hope things go fast so that it will be over with. 

Maybe this isn't as bad as I thought it would be. Maybe it will be easier than the time I had to do this against my bio parents. I really hope it is. So far so good. Lets just hope that it stays this way. I am extremely tired today and I don't understand why. My sister got a little upset and started pinching herself on the face. But she did talk and I give her credit for that. Its not easy to talk about things like that at all.  

So my grandmother (on fathers side) is having a hard time right now. So my mom took her to the hospital and left me and my dad with the kids. They never listen to me.. Even when they are told I am also in charge right before she leaves.. So I'm trying to get everyone doing their chores and patches decides to give me a hard time. She completely lost it. She threw everything that was not even remotely close to being in her way across the room then from there she went to her room and started to destroy everything in the room. That is also my room that I have given up to my grandmother so that she is comfortable. So I try to go inside the room and get my nana's cloths out so they don't get ruined. I turn off the light because she was to go to bed, she then stood up and charged at me and I told her "If you hit me patches, that will be your worst mistake you make tonight." She also told me that she wishes she wasn't my sister which she yells at me or us every time she gets upset. So I screamed it back to her, everything she yelled at me I told her the same. 

I told her that I will not try to work on our relationship anymore and to not even try to make things better between us. I have forgiven her for saying all those hateful things before and I have just had enough of it. It hurts to hear her say that to me every time she got up set when I was the one that helped her survive. I was the one that feed her when no one else would. I was the one that would get in trouble for allowing her to do things that she wasn't suppose to do when we were living with our bio parents. I did a lot for her and I am so sick and tired of hearing that crap. I've had enough and I have decided not to try. And no matter what anyone says I am not changing my mind. I have been working on this relationship for a while and have got nothing in return. 

Monday, January 16, 2012

What's New...

Lately I have been really stressed. And I've been so stressed that it's making me sick. I made a mistake over Christmas break. But at the same time I think it was the breaking point that made me make the decisions to tell my mom one major thing that happened in my past. 

I'm not going to go into much detail about it but lets just say tomorrow I will be going to an interview with my deputy. I am going to press charges on an old foster parent. I have been holding that in and something else inside for so long. I am not looking forward to tomorrow at all. This interview is so early this time. And this is because they have a little girl in the house. So we are trying to save her from him. 

The other thing is I am trying so hard to remember some of the guys that Noah (my bio father) paid to do things with me. I remember one but I don't remember his name. I am going to try to go after him. I feel as if everyone that has every hurt me I am going to try to press charges on them and save other little girls from them. I am also going to try to talk to the deputy over the guy that was related to my father. 

I have found it hard to tell guys no and I'm trying to figure out why. Why I can say no to everything else and everyone else about things I don't want to do but when it comes to guys I can't stand up to them and say no to them. I feel as if me not being about to say no to the men that hurt me in my past I am not able to stand up for myself now. I am going back to therapy to help me find ways to say no and on good ways to deal with stress. 

I have gone through this once, going to court, but I think this time I'm more stressed. Before I had my siblings with me, going through the same things as me. This time I feel as if I'm alone. Patches is doing it to because she is confessing things as well, but she is mentally 3 yrs old. We don't have a strong relationship because of that. I don't feel like I can talk to her about things. Especially this. Yes I love her but I don't really trust her. I feel if I give her more information on what happened to me she may get mad and scream it out to the world one day. Like she has done with plenty of things in the past. 

I know that my parents are here for me. That's why I decided to tell my mom in the first place. I knew she was going to be there for me and listen to what I had to say and help me through it. I love them so much, and I thank them so much for everything they have done for me and my siblings. We all know for a fact that we are not going anywhere, that we are here to stay. For good. We have a family now that will always be here for us. I love you so much mom and dad ! <3

Saturday, December 31, 2011


Lately I've been pretty great. Christmas was amazing. I have been hanging out with the best family ever. Yes, I'm talking about the Murphy's. I'm going to have a really hard time whsn they have to leave. I'm actually tearing up just thinking about it. I love this family so much and have grown so close to their oldest son I don't know what I'm going to do I mean what my family is going to do without them here. They could totally find  house near us and not have to leave us or what about just moving in with us as it is. 

So I have school Monday and I'm so not looking forward to that. I mean I want to see my friends and all but I dont want to do any school work at all. I'm so glad i knly have three more years of high school before I figure out what I want to major in college. I heard that I can still join the military abd I really like that I still have the option to do that which I probably will. 

The kids I guess you can say have been good. Not so much as a great but a good. Everyone is so excited about our friends being here that they dont care what the rules are anymore. There is a little bit of boy jealousy going on between my sisters. Its kinda funny but at the same time its really annoying. But when is boy drama ever not annoying? Lol.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving. (:

Happy thanksgiving everyone! I hope everyone has a good one. I know its a day early but who cares? Lol. I am in Hoschton? I think thats how you spell it. I am at my grandmothers like I said I would be, we are still waiting on the Murphy's to get here. 

 I am very thankful for the family and friends I now have. Thanks to everyone that has helped me throughout my life and caring for me. I love you deeply. (: <3
Comment if you want and tell me what your thankful for this year. I would love to hear about it. (:

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Today was an okay day... I guess.

So this whole week we have off from school due to thanksgiving. I have been stuck at home with my family for days and I am getting a little irratated. I mean I love them and all but I really can't take being home with them all the time, its totally driving me insane. I am kinda taking it out on my mom, I have been disrespectful to her and I really don't like it. Im not doing it on purpose. I'm just going to try to be careful and pay attention to myself.

Today I also went to go get my hearing aids. They blend in pretty well and they fit comfortably, but everything is so loud or its too quiet when I try fixing the volume on them. I can hear everything now that I couldn't before and its strange, weird. We used my uncles truck and it totally freaked me out because I could hear everything. Totally freaked me out. I am so thankful that I have my mom. She has helped me through this even though I really haven't talked about it, I'm not really sure how I feel about it other than I wanted to hurry up and get it over with. Now that I have them I don't really care. Its like whatever to me. When I talk I can hear myself speak now. And to me I think I sound loud so I try to be quiter but when I was talking to my uncle he said that  I wasn't loud. So I'm going to have to work on that.

Tomorrow I am going to my nana's house for thanksgiving. We will be staying in her RV. Also we will be seeing the Murphy's. So excited. I love that family so much. (:

My brother is also coming home tomorrow. For good I believe. We have to wake up early to go get him and sit through this long meeting. I hate meetings. They are so boring, and long. I miss him and want him to come home at some point but I really don't think that I can put up with him right now. He's super annoying at times, like a normal child, but I am afraid that Patches and him will get each other pissed off and lose it. Something we don't need at the house. She has done good lately so maybe it will be fine. But I will always have my guard up. Listening and paying attention to what is going on.