Lately I have been really stressed. And I've been so stressed that it's making me sick. I made a mistake over Christmas break. But at the same time I think it was the breaking point that made me make the decisions to tell my mom one major thing that happened in my past.
I'm not going to go into much detail about it but lets just say tomorrow I will be going to an interview with my deputy. I am going to press charges on an old foster parent. I have been holding that in and something else inside for so long. I am not looking forward to tomorrow at all. This interview is so early this time. And this is because they have a little girl in the house. So we are trying to save her from him.
The other thing is I am trying so hard to remember some of the guys that Noah (my bio father) paid to do things with me. I remember one but I don't remember his name. I am going to try to go after him. I feel as if everyone that has every hurt me I am going to try to press charges on them and save other little girls from them. I am also going to try to talk to the deputy over the guy that was related to my father.
I have found it hard to tell guys no and I'm trying to figure out why. Why I can say no to everything else and everyone else about things I don't want to do but when it comes to guys I can't stand up to them and say no to them. I feel as if me not being about to say no to the men that hurt me in my past I am not able to stand up for myself now. I am going back to therapy to help me find ways to say no and on good ways to deal with stress.
I have gone through this once, going to court, but I think this time I'm more stressed. Before I had my siblings with me, going through the same things as me. This time I feel as if I'm alone. Patches is doing it to because she is confessing things as well, but she is mentally 3 yrs old. We don't have a strong relationship because of that. I don't feel like I can talk to her about things. Especially this. Yes I love her but I don't really trust her. I feel if I give her more information on what happened to me she may get mad and scream it out to the world one day. Like she has done with plenty of things in the past.
I know that my parents are here for me. That's why I decided to tell my mom in the first place. I knew she was going to be there for me and listen to what I had to say and help me through it. I love them so much, and I thank them so much for everything they have done for me and my siblings. We all know for a fact that we are not going anywhere, that we are here to stay. For good. We have a family now that will always be here for us. I love you so much mom and dad ! <3