Interview... Tonight...

 So the interview wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I want to thank everyone for your support. The interview seemed very long but I said what I needed to and I hope things go fast so that it will be over with. 


Maybe this isn't as bad as I thought it would be. Maybe it will be easier than the time I had to do this against my bio parents. I really hope it is. So far so good. Lets just hope that it stays this way. I am extremely tired today and I don't understand why. My sister got a little upset and started pinching herself on the face. But she did talk and I give her credit for that. Its not easy to talk about things like that at all.  

So my grandmother (on fathers side) is having a hard time right now. So my mom took her to the hospital and left me and my dad with the kids. They never listen to me.. Even when they are told I am also in charge right before she leaves.. So I'm trying to get everyone doing their chores and patches decides to give me a hard time. She completely lost it. She threw everything that was not even remotely close to being in her way across the room then from there she went to her room and started to destroy everything in the room. That is also my room that I have given up to my grandmother so that she is comfortable. So I try to go inside the room and get my nana's cloths out so they don't get ruined. I turn off the light because she was to go to bed, she then stood up and charged at me and I told her "If you hit me patches, that will be your worst mistake you make tonight." She also told me that she wishes she wasn't my sister which she yells at me or us every time she gets upset. So I screamed it back to her, everything she yelled at me I told her the same. 


I told her that I will not try to work on our relationship anymore and to not even try to make things better between us. I have forgiven her for saying all those hateful things before and I have just had enough of it. It hurts to hear her say that to me every time she got up set when I was the one that helped her survive. I was the one that feed her when no one else would. I was the one that would get in trouble for allowing her to do things that she wasn't suppose to do when we were living with our bio parents. I did a lot for her and I am so sick and tired of hearing that crap. I've had enough and I have decided not to try. And no matter what anyone says I am not changing my mind. I have been working on this relationship for a while and have got nothing in return. 

What's New...

Lately I have been really stressed. And I've been so stressed that it's making me sick. I made a mistake over Christmas break. But at the same time I think it was the breaking point that made me make the decisions to tell my mom one major thing that happened in my past. 

I'm not going to go into much detail about it but lets just say tomorrow I will be going to an interview with my deputy. I am going to press charges on an old foster parent. I have been holding that in and something else inside for so long. I am not looking forward to tomorrow at all. This interview is so early this time. And this is because they have a little girl in the house. So we are trying to save her from him. 


The other thing is I am trying so hard to remember some of the guys that Noah (my bio father) paid to do things with me. I remember one but I don't remember his name. I am going to try to go after him. I feel as if everyone that has every hurt me I am going to try to press charges on them and save other little girls from them. I am also going to try to talk to the deputy over the guy that was related to my father. 

I have found it hard to tell guys no and I'm trying to figure out why. Why I can say no to everything else and everyone else about things I don't want to do but when it comes to guys I can't stand up to them and say no to them. I feel as if me not being about to say no to the men that hurt me in my past I am not able to stand up for myself now. I am going back to therapy to help me find ways to say no and on good ways to deal with stress. 

I have gone through this once, going to court, but I think this time I'm more stressed. Before I had my siblings with me, going through the same things as me. This time I feel as if I'm alone. Patches is doing it to because she is confessing things as well, but she is mentally 3 yrs old. We don't have a strong relationship because of that. I don't feel like I can talk to her about things. Especially this. Yes I love her but I don't really trust her. I feel if I give her more information on what happened to me she may get mad and scream it out to the world one day. Like she has done with plenty of things in the past. 


I know that my parents are here for me. That's why I decided to tell my mom in the first place. I knew she was going to be there for me and listen to what I had to say and help me through it. I love them so much, and I thank them so much for everything they have done for me and my siblings. We all know for a fact that we are not going anywhere, that we are here to stay. For good. We have a family now that will always be here for us. I love you so much mom and dad ! <3

Lately.....

Lately I've been pretty great. Christmas was amazing. I have been hanging out with the best family ever. Yes, I'm talking about the Murphy's. I'm going to have a really hard time whsn they have to leave. I'm actually tearing up just thinking about it. I love this family so much and have grown so close to their oldest son I don't know what I'm going to do I mean what my family is going to do without them here. They could totally find  house near us and not have to leave us or what about just moving in with us as it is. 

So I have school Monday and I'm so not looking forward to that. I mean I want to see my friends and all but I dont want to do any school work at all. I'm so glad i knly have three more years of high school before I figure out what I want to major in college. I heard that I can still join the military abd I really like that I still have the option to do that which I probably will. 

The kids I guess you can say have been good. Not so much as a great but a good. Everyone is so excited about our friends being here that they dont care what the rules are anymore. There is a little bit of boy jealousy going on between my sisters. Its kinda funny but at the same time its really annoying. But when is boy drama ever not annoying? Lol.

Happy Thanksgiving. (:

Happy thanksgiving everyone! I hope everyone has a good one. I know its a day early but who cares? Lol. I am in Hoschton? I think thats how you spell it. I am at my grandmothers like I said I would be, we are still waiting on the Murphy's to get here. 

 I am very thankful for the family and friends I now have. Thanks to everyone that has helped me throughout my life and caring for me. I love you deeply. (: <3
Comment if you want and tell me what your thankful for this year. I would love to hear about it. (:

Today was an okay day... I guess.

So this whole week we have off from school due to thanksgiving. I have been stuck at home with my family for days and I am getting a little irratated. I mean I love them and all but I really can't take being home with them all the time, its totally driving me insane. I am kinda taking it out on my mom, I have been disrespectful to her and I really don't like it. Im not doing it on purpose. I'm just going to try to be careful and pay attention to myself.

Today I also went to go get my hearing aids. They blend in pretty well and they fit comfortably, but everything is so loud or its too quiet when I try fixing the volume on them. I can hear everything now that I couldn't before and its strange, weird. We used my uncles truck and it totally freaked me out because I could hear everything. Totally freaked me out. I am so thankful that I have my mom. She has helped me through this even though I really haven't talked about it, I'm not really sure how I feel about it other than I wanted to hurry up and get it over with. Now that I have them I don't really care. Its like whatever to me. When I talk I can hear myself speak now. And to me I think I sound loud so I try to be quiter but when I was talking to my uncle he said that  I wasn't loud. So I'm going to have to work on that.

Tomorrow I am going to my nana's house for thanksgiving. We will be staying in her RV. Also we will be seeing the Murphy's. So excited. I love that family so much. (:

My brother is also coming home tomorrow. For good I believe. We have to wake up early to go get him and sit through this long meeting. I hate meetings. They are so boring, and long. I miss him and want him to come home at some point but I really don't think that I can put up with him right now. He's super annoying at times, like a normal child, but I am afraid that Patches and him will get each other pissed off and lose it. Something we don't need at the house. She has done good lately so maybe it will be fine. But I will always have my guard up. Listening and paying attention to what is going on.

Latey

So lately I have been good. I guess.... I can't remember if I told you guys about my house going up for sell but it has, I hope everything goes well for us and we wont have to move. I have made some "REAL" friends this year and I'm not surrounded with drama like I was before. I'm really proud of myself, and I have been working hard on becoming a better person. Not wanting to cause trouble, or looking for trouble. I really hate the feeling that something may happen and we have to move. I was made a promise that is looking like it wont be kept. I understand that it isn't their fault that it may go bad, but for once I'm happy with life. I'm enjoying it. There hasn't been anything with patches and my brother will be coming home shortly. I have the best of friends this year and I don't want everything to be ruined now. I'm just so extremely happy right now. Things don't need to go sour now. I'm having a little trouble in school but I'm working on making things better. I also found out that I get my hearing aids Tuesday.. Kinda excited but at the same time I'm nervous. I also talked to my aunt to talk to my uncle about assigning me to one of the people that work for him so I can go on calls and see what my life would be like being an officer. I wish you all a happy thanksgiving. And sorry that I have taken long to post again. (:

This weekend...

So this weekend was alright, I guess. Well Saturday was awesome ! It was my friends birthday, so we had a party and we also went to Netherworld. It was pretty awesome. I didn't want that night to end, I mean yes I was being I guess tortured? But I enjoyed it.

My sister threw a fit and had to call the cops again. Today she went to see her PO and now has 3 charges. She got mad over a picture she had drawn me that I didn't even know was mine. She was told to pick it up by someone who was doing their chore, she got mad and said she didn't need to pick it up because it wasn't hers. She refused to take her meds. and she tried to throw a bucket at my mom while the kids were behind her. She is extremely hard to be around and makes me want to be out of the house all the time. She said i have given up on her but i feel like she has given up on our relationship a long time ago. she doesn't care about me and I strongly believe that. I believe she doesn't really care about anyone but herself. Because if she did care she wont attack them with her fist or her words. She is going to have to work extremely hard before  even consider being around her. She never take responsibility for her actions, she thinks the stupidest scariest things are funny, and they are totally not funny at all.