Lately.....

Lately I've been pretty great. Christmas was amazing. I have been hanging out with the best family ever. Yes, I'm talking about the Murphy's. I'm going to have a really hard time whsn they have to leave. I'm actually tearing up just thinking about it. I love this family so much and have grown so close to their oldest son I don't know what I'm going to do I mean what my family is going to do without them here. They could totally find  house near us and not have to leave us or what about just moving in with us as it is. 

So I have school Monday and I'm so not looking forward to that. I mean I want to see my friends and all but I dont want to do any school work at all. I'm so glad i knly have three more years of high school before I figure out what I want to major in college. I heard that I can still join the military abd I really like that I still have the option to do that which I probably will. 

The kids I guess you can say have been good. Not so much as a great but a good. Everyone is so excited about our friends being here that they dont care what the rules are anymore. There is a little bit of boy jealousy going on between my sisters. Its kinda funny but at the same time its really annoying. But when is boy drama ever not annoying? Lol.

Happy Thanksgiving. (:

Happy thanksgiving everyone! I hope everyone has a good one. I know its a day early but who cares? Lol. I am in Hoschton? I think thats how you spell it. I am at my grandmothers like I said I would be, we are still waiting on the Murphy's to get here. 

 I am very thankful for the family and friends I now have. Thanks to everyone that has helped me throughout my life and caring for me. I love you deeply. (: <3
Comment if you want and tell me what your thankful for this year. I would love to hear about it. (:

Today was an okay day... I guess.

So this whole week we have off from school due to thanksgiving. I have been stuck at home with my family for days and I am getting a little irratated. I mean I love them and all but I really can't take being home with them all the time, its totally driving me insane. I am kinda taking it out on my mom, I have been disrespectful to her and I really don't like it. Im not doing it on purpose. I'm just going to try to be careful and pay attention to myself.

Today I also went to go get my hearing aids. They blend in pretty well and they fit comfortably, but everything is so loud or its too quiet when I try fixing the volume on them. I can hear everything now that I couldn't before and its strange, weird. We used my uncles truck and it totally freaked me out because I could hear everything. Totally freaked me out. I am so thankful that I have my mom. She has helped me through this even though I really haven't talked about it, I'm not really sure how I feel about it other than I wanted to hurry up and get it over with. Now that I have them I don't really care. Its like whatever to me. When I talk I can hear myself speak now. And to me I think I sound loud so I try to be quiter but when I was talking to my uncle he said that  I wasn't loud. So I'm going to have to work on that.

Tomorrow I am going to my nana's house for thanksgiving. We will be staying in her RV. Also we will be seeing the Murphy's. So excited. I love that family so much. (:

My brother is also coming home tomorrow. For good I believe. We have to wake up early to go get him and sit through this long meeting. I hate meetings. They are so boring, and long. I miss him and want him to come home at some point but I really don't think that I can put up with him right now. He's super annoying at times, like a normal child, but I am afraid that Patches and him will get each other pissed off and lose it. Something we don't need at the house. She has done good lately so maybe it will be fine. But I will always have my guard up. Listening and paying attention to what is going on.

Latey

So lately I have been good. I guess.... I can't remember if I told you guys about my house going up for sell but it has, I hope everything goes well for us and we wont have to move. I have made some "REAL" friends this year and I'm not surrounded with drama like I was before. I'm really proud of myself, and I have been working hard on becoming a better person. Not wanting to cause trouble, or looking for trouble. I really hate the feeling that something may happen and we have to move. I was made a promise that is looking like it wont be kept. I understand that it isn't their fault that it may go bad, but for once I'm happy with life. I'm enjoying it. There hasn't been anything with patches and my brother will be coming home shortly. I have the best of friends this year and I don't want everything to be ruined now. I'm just so extremely happy right now. Things don't need to go sour now. I'm having a little trouble in school but I'm working on making things better. I also found out that I get my hearing aids Tuesday.. Kinda excited but at the same time I'm nervous. I also talked to my aunt to talk to my uncle about assigning me to one of the people that work for him so I can go on calls and see what my life would be like being an officer. I wish you all a happy thanksgiving. And sorry that I have taken long to post again. (:

This weekend...

So this weekend was alright, I guess. Well Saturday was awesome ! It was my friends birthday, so we had a party and we also went to Netherworld. It was pretty awesome. I didn't want that night to end, I mean yes I was being I guess tortured? But I enjoyed it.

My sister threw a fit and had to call the cops again. Today she went to see her PO and now has 3 charges. She got mad over a picture she had drawn me that I didn't even know was mine. She was told to pick it up by someone who was doing their chore, she got mad and said she didn't need to pick it up because it wasn't hers. She refused to take her meds. and she tried to throw a bucket at my mom while the kids were behind her. She is extremely hard to be around and makes me want to be out of the house all the time. She said i have given up on her but i feel like she has given up on our relationship a long time ago. she doesn't care about me and I strongly believe that. I believe she doesn't really care about anyone but herself. Because if she did care she wont attack them with her fist or her words. She is going to have to work extremely hard before  even consider being around her. She never take responsibility for her actions, she thinks the stupidest scariest things are funny, and they are totally not funny at all.

Long time no Blog....

I'm terribly sorry that I haven't blogged lately. I really didn't have anything to post other than little high school things. Like my teacher cussing, or how there was this huge fight with this chick and dude. She threw a sprite can at him and hit his mouth and he started bleeding pretty badly. He didn't get in trouble though because the only thing he was doing was blocking her hits. It was horrible though because I was right there next to them and everyone wanted to see and get to the front so I was being pushed closer and closer which freaked me out. 


My ear is looking freaking awesome for those of you who care. I love it and the pain like I said was totally worth it. I am now able to sleep on the right side of my head now because it no longer hurts. Well it hurts right now because over the weekend my brother came for a visit ( he lives in a hospital) and he had accidentally thrown himself against me and it bleed and made a scab. But I totally love it and I am so happy I have it. Everyone at school loves it as well.


So you remember a while back when I had told you about the fake baby project for my early childhood development class? Well today I got my permission slip so we will be signing up very shortly. I am also very excited about that. (: 


I still have not got my hearing aids. But I should get them shortly I believe. Ill be happy when I actually get them and only have a yearly doctor appointment for them .


Also the people that own the house I am living in are trying to sell the house. Mom said they are looking for someone to sell the house to that will still rent to us. I hope this all works out so we don't have to move. I am already not doing good in school so if I have to move that will just be a big stress and take more time from school to catch up with the other school. But I have a feeling everything will be fine and work out just right. If not I will move in with a friend. Haha, yeah like that will ever happen or be a option. 

Saturday ! (:

So Saturday I went over to a family friend's house, we hung out for a little, grilled out and then she pierced my industrial. Boy did that hurt. When it was over I didn't believe it. The top part of it hurt so bad I didn't realize that she had already gotten the bottom through too. I had been waiting a long time to get this done and I'm super happy that I finally got it done. I didn't bother to think of the fact that I sleep on the side of my head I got it done. So now I am forcing myself to sleep on the left side which is super hard. I am just SO excited and happy that I have it done. (:

I'm so nervous my four year old sister is going to give me one of those aggressive hugs she gives when she is extremely excited, and he hair get caught on it and I tell her not to pull away and she doesn't listen and she totally pulls away and hurts the crap out of me. I'm so nervous to get it yanked on or touched. This morning I tried to dry my hair and I hit the bar and I almost cried and pasted out. That's how bad it hurt. Speaking of that let me back up a little to something I think was kinda funny when the piercing was going on. I was told to tell her if I started to feel sick to my stomach or like I was about to pass out, and at that point I was already at the point of feeling as if I was about to pass out so I told her I was already there before she had finished the sentence. 

I can't wait to get to school to show it off to all my friends. If anyone tries to touch it they need to think twice other wise they will be dealing with a passed out chick or vomit. One of the two, maybe even both. Who knows? Haha. (:

Yesterday's ENT Appointment

So yesterday I went to the ENT. I took the hearing test and the result where basically the same. I believe I heard that I shouldn't lose anymore. Also I had my ear molded. So I am now waiting on the hearing aids to be approved by medicade and within a month I should have my hearing aids.

I am so stressed out I have had migrane for two days. It won't go away no matter how much meds I take. I'm stressed out about school, and the hearing aids. I got a letter in the mail over the weekend saying that I have missed too many classes this semster and that in December I will have to sign up for waiver classes. I'm to happy about that but whatever I have to do to keep from being a freshman again or taking freshman classing again I will do.

I just hope that when I get the hearing aids that I'm not treated diffrently.

Math

So I am really bad at math. Or so I think I am. I have a hard time understanding some of the stuff I am doing in algebra. Yesterday we learned something new, like everyday. I got what we were suppose to do for homework when I was in  my class, but when I went home I was tatally lost. So I asked my father to help me he didn't understand, so I ask my mom and got the same response from her. So I was totally screwed. It sucks to have parents that don't know what you are doing even when you give them the notes you took. So I called Tanner to get him to help but as I got on the phone with him and tried to explain I told him that I would just bring it to lunch and he would help me then. So that he would be able to see it and know what I was talking about.

So I get to lunch, we eat then I get on with my math hw. I was getting so upset because I didn't get what he was talking about that I almost started crying. The problem is he didn't explain like my teacher did so I remember bits and pieces of what I'm suppose to do but I get stuck at times. Ugh I just hate math.

My sister was good yesterday I think... I can't really remember. But I think yesterday was a good day. So I guess that's all I have to share right, nothing really exciting.

Lunch & Sister

So today at lunch I was hanging out with the "crew" in the courtyard. The courtyard is outside of the lunch room and that is were everyone goes after they are done eating. So today there were these girls that came out of the lunch room, (there were like 5 of them) they all walked over to this one girl on the other side of the courtyard. I thought nothing of it, nothing negative or bad was about to happen right? Wrong. They went back into the cafe and started a fight. It didn't get physical but more and more people got involved.

I was hanging out with Tanner, like always. We were talking about this weekend. He invited me to go camping with him. He didn't give me enough information about it so my mom had told me to get more info and we would talk about it. So today he gave me the information. We would be whitewater raffting, and other things but he mostly talked about the raffting. I hope I can go. It seems like fun.

Yesterday we celebrated my little sisters birthday which is actually today. We had chocolate cake with M&M's in it, with sprinkles on it, and cookies and cream ice cream. Yummy ! You would think that a certain someone could hold themselves together for someones special day. Well she didn't think that that would have been the right thing to do. Instead she managed to make a hole in the wall. After she had calmed down and we were ready to talk to her, everyone told her how they felt. So I told her how I felt. That I was tired of her crap and that its extremely hard to be around her. She claimed that she doesn't believe in herself, that she couldn't get any better. We all know that that's a lie. She has in the past gotten so much better. I told her that I feel that lately she doesn't care, that she doesn't want to stop doing what she's doing. She doesn't put any effort into getting better. Mom said that she is going to put her into a hospital for a while. The kind that my brother is in. Over that period of time I think that everything at home will calm down and everthing will be better. It will be a postive thing for both my family and her. It gives her time to be away from us, what she has been chanting she wants, and giving us the space we all need.

Yesterday & Today

Sorry I haven't been blogging, I have been having technical difficulties. So I guess I will be stating what has happened in the last 3 or 2 days.

Sunday my nana came to visit. She has been traveling for 3 1/2 months and she has finally come home. We have all missed her so much. I wonder if she knows I blog now? Oh well, I guess we will find out. I forbid her from leaving town like that agian. Lol

Yesterday, Monday. I had to go take a CAT Scan. I got a CD with the result on it but I haven't bothered to look at them. By the way its for my ears. I have taking this nasty liquid type of steroid. Someone had posted that when on steroids you should avoid salty food or it will make you bloat, every since I read that I have been paranoid. But I think my family eats pretty healthy so I have nothing to worry about..

My sister, what do I say about her that isn't off the charts mean? She is making it sooo difficult. Its hard to look at her let alone sit next to her on the couch. Its hard to talk to her, because when I hear her trying to talking to me I instantly become angry and want to her to shut up. Yesterday she came home and was talking to my mom about how she had a good day except for in the afternoon. And she started laughing. She said she almost got suspened from school because of the way she was acting all because of this guy she has a crush on. He says that he is intrested in older girls, and she is younger than him but she claims he never said he didn't like her. So I guess she's an exception? He claims he's in a gang. So he likes to beat up people and all kind of other crap. But she told us that she thinks its cool. Obviously there is something wrong with this. She said that he sleeps all day and never does his work. And that also is extremely cool to her. Why is that every thing she says is cool is extremely dangerous.

We went to the park yesterday and let the kids run around on the hills. After that we had to go grocrey shopping. So we went to Wal-mart and my sister decides to pick at the shelves and bang on everything. I asked her repeatly to stop, that she was getting on my nerves then she comes out saying that my mom whom is minding her own business was getting on her nerves. When we get home mom was ready to cook dinner. The pot we needed to use was dirty so my mom said that she would clean the pot. So she was trying to help my sister right? She completely flips. She starts the name calling and saying all these nasty things about my mom. She ruinned the freedom to have a door. Which makes it really hard for me to sleep. So I didn't get any sleep last night at all. I have a huge headache right now.

I am sitting in my 6th period class right now. I'm switching my screen from this to this current event that I have to summarize. Its for Early Childhood Development class. I can't wait until we sign up for the crying babies. That assignment is going to be so much fun and so easy.

ENT

This morning I had an ENT appointment. I thought that I was going to be fitted for hearing aids but I wasn't. The doctor I saw this morning said that he was going to put me on steroids to see if the hearing loss is from inflammation in the inner ear. And maybe I could get my hearing back. You would think that's a good thing right? Well not for me because in my opinion he didn't say it with much confidence. I don't think he understands that I just want this to be over with. Now I have to go back in two weeks and have an MRI done. Then we go from there. I honestly think that there isn't anything wrong with the inner part of my ear. I mean wouldn't you be able to feel it if there was something wrong? My ears don't hurt anymore. I think that the MRI will just be a waste of time. I didn't like the thought of having hearing aids but now I just don't care anymore. I just want the doctor appointments to be over with already. I mean seriously who likes to go to the doctor every two weeks? Not me! I'm thankful that he is seeing if he could fix my hearing without dealing with hearing aids but I have lost so much of my hearing I highly doubt that taking steroids will fix the problem. I feel bad for people that have a doctors appointment every week or two. Its driving me insane and I have only been to two appointments so far. I'm not sure as to what I feel about it all. I'm upset, and mad. But at the same time it shows me that when you are choosing a career don't get your hopes up. I had EVERYTHING planned out. I was going to finish high school join the military and work my way up to becoming an MP (military police), I would retire from that and then go get a job as a police officer in the area I was going to be living in. The day of my first appointment my mom brought to my attention that I may not be able to join the military. I came home and ran upstairs to look it up and sure enough it said deaf people are not allowed to. The day after that my mom said that I could still join Coast Guard. That would be great if I wasn't terrified of boats. She also said that she talked to my uncle that is by the way chef of police and said that at 20 I could take the test to become an officer. But the way I view it now than before I found out that I was going deaf is different. I'm not sure that I want to be a police officer anymore. I'm sure this may disappoint some people and trust me when I first realized what I was thinking I would say to myself that I can't let this stop me. I don't think that I am letting the hearing loss get in my way. I honestly don't understand why I don't want to be an officer. I have noticed lately that I'm extremely stressed and unhappy. I try not to show everyone and I'm not sure if it has been working or not. When I think about why I'm unhappy the things that come to mind is the hearing loss and the things that are going on at home with my sister.


My sister has RAD. Lately she has been the biggest pain in my butt than ever before. She had an episode a few weeks ago and I completely lost control for like two minutes. She was hitting my mom, and I remember just being so fed up with it that I screamed at her to stop and that I had enough and that I was calling the police. I didn't start to calm down until I was on the phone with the 911 operator. Every since then it has been so hard to be around her. I want to slap her everyday. She all of the sudden has gotten really verbal in her episodes. She curses like crazy and she yells all these nasty things to my mom. Two summers ago I had told her that it was hard to be around her and that I loved her but not in a sisterly way. That I loved her in a room mate kinda way. I'm feeling that way again but this time I think that its way worse. I feel bad that I feel this way but its not me. I have tried to fix our relationship. Its her! seriously am I wrong for feeling this way? For not liking someone because they call my mom names and says that she hates this family everyday knowing that it upsets people in the house.

High School Drama

Okay so this is my first year in high school. Freshman year. So far it isn't as bad as I thought it would be. I thought there were going to tuns of people fighting and that I would be surround in other peoples drama like usual. But I'm surprised, I'm not. Everything is  going smooth right now. I have enjoyed the first two months of it. Right now it's kind of annoying because the only thing that everyone is talking about it homecoming. Who everyone is going with, what the dresses look like. I'm asked all the time if I'm going and my answer is no. I was asked by this really nice guy if I would go with him but I told him that I was not going. 

I have missed a couple days of school due to illness or the trip to the ear doctor, and I have missed many test. I am trying to make them all up. Tomorrow during lunch I have to go take a lit. test. We all know that's how I want to spend my one hour of free time right? I also have to make up some stuff from biology other than those two classes I think I got everything. 

So for lunch we have an hour to eat, although it only takes me 5 minutes to eat. I sit outside with my "crew." I wouldn't say I'm popular and I certainly wouldn't say that I'm a loner. For the last two months our "crew" has gotten bigger. Which is an awesome thing. I love the people I am surrounded by. They actually listen to what I say instead of talking over me and wanting everything to go their way. There is this one guy that sits with me everyday that I absolutely love. He is the BEST gay friend a girl can ask for. He is honestly the only one I truly trust in my "crew." I tell him just about everything on my mind. And he does the same with me. 

So there is this guy they call Jesus that hangout with us at lunch. I have never personally talked to him until today, but I think that will change soon. I said one word to him today in 5th period (so the class after lunch) and that word was "yeah." I was walking to the restroom and he was walking down the hallway in my direction and he had this hat on that had the long tail on the back like a raccoons tail or something (which he did not have on at lunch) so of course I burst out laughing. As we got closer he had asked me if I was laughing at his hat and I told him the truth. Lol. It was totally funny. 

So I guess we shall see how everything goes. I look forward to posting new post (: I hope everyone that is reading this can't wait for new blogs either. 

About Me

I am from a very large family, I have five other birth siblings and two adopted sisters. I was put up for adopted about five years ago due to the fact that I did not have a stable home. I had been to 15 different foster homes within 9 years. I was separated from my siblings at times. I mean honestly I understand why no one would take all of us together. There were totally too many of us and we were crazy. The three oldest of us were stuck together and the other three were together. I have had a very traumatic life. I was beat by my father, raped by his uncle, and I played the role of a mother to my four sisters and one brother. I had to cook, clean, and help everyone with their homework because my parents did not graduate high school. My mother could barley even read. My father was almost never home. He was either at work or working on a car in the driveway with some buddies of his. Before I came to live with the family I am happy with today I had over night visitations with my parents. I remember every time we went to stay for the weekend we were at a different house. I remember being scared but happy at the same time. When I was younger I never understood what was really going on, why these people would keep taking me from my parents and I didn't quite understand why I had to take care of all the kids. At times I would be locked in my room with all of the children. It would be days maybe even weeks. With no bathroom available or any food or water. I would always ask to go to my grandparents house because there I knew I was okay. I knew that I would be feed and that I would not be locked into a room at days at a time. Sometimes even felt that they loved and cared about me and my siblings more than my parents did, and still to this day I believe that. 


Two or three years ago I went to court to testify against my parents. I didn't want but I knew something had to be done so other children would be okay and save. So that they wouldn't be allowed to take care of other peoples children. I was scared but I knew it was the right thing to do. There were many people there that tried to comfort me, I guess you can say that kinda helped. I don't know one other child besides the ones I am forced to live with that have ever had to put their parents behind bars. I felt safer though, and I'm pretty sure so did my family. My mother I believe got 25 years. I think she is serving 10 and has probation for 15 or the other way around. And my father is in prison for the rest of his life. 


I am happy that I was saved. I am happy I have a stable home now. Yes things can get a bit crazy but that's how my life will be for the rest of my life. Two of my sisters and my one and only brother have a sever mental illness. They have these tantrums and they start to get violent. They are on meds to try to keep it under control but every now and again things get out of hand. My sister that is one year younger than me has proven that to all of us. She has made it a living hell to be home lately but we are trying to move forward. My brother is currently living in a hospital but will shortly be in the process of transiting home. 


I have currently found out that I am deaf. I went to the ear doctor about two weeks ago and was told that I have lost a significant amount of hearing. Probably about 50 percent or more. This Thursday I will be going to be fitted for hearing aids, and you can count on a blog afterwards. 


Well I'm about drained out. Its been a long day. First day back to school from a week of vacation. And let me tell you if you are a teenager and your home schooled and missing out on the actual walking down the hall ways in a high school your totally missing out. High school is not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. But anyways. I'm off to bed now, got school in the morning.